The Dudebacle
After hours of getting ready for a night out, which in many a dude's case consists of drinkinga high volume of cheapbeer, watchingyour choice oftelevisedsport (except lacrosse)1, and playing something that probably resembles a card game; a certainintoxicated dude can no longer feign the signs ofinebriation and becomes an extreme liability to the rest of his mates.
These signs of inebriation are in no way subtle. This guy has developed a lazy eye, he's now unable to suppress commonly suppressible bodily functions, and the volume of his voice has increased nearly two-fold.
You should have seen this all comingfrom the very beginning of the night.
While you were playing "Drink at your Own Pace," this dude was pounding beers like Wade Boggs.
By the time you were on beer five, he was on case two.
While you and your buds were figuring out what bar to hit up, this guy was contemplating getting a full-body tattoo.
Theconsequences for his actions have slowly started to come together, and his night has quickly started to fall apart...
By the time your partyleaves forthe bar, this dude has at least 100 liquid ounces of draft in his gullet, and may be quite unpredictable once he hits the streets. He's already made mortal enemies with the cabby, and was nearly drilled by an oncoming car as he left the taxi without paying.
Following your exit from the cab,you and your crew head to the street and on to the bar, butthis drunken dudestumbles toward the sewer. As he leans over in heaving position, you think to yourself, 'why in the hell didn't we stop this?'
All of these precursory events lead to the inevitable dudebacle, which appears swift and sudden to the untrained eye. All you can do is one of two things at this point. You can sit back and observe, or you can attempt to be there for your buddy, who has now become the most elusive and out-of-control person you have ever encountered.
At this point, he probably reeks of beer vomit and partially digested nachos, and is not afraid of the opposite sex in the slightest. This walking disaster zone goes for any opportunity, regardless of whether or not it is an opportunity. He says and does things thatare well beyond the line of social decency, andthe ramification of his behavior will indirectly affect you and the rest of your group (permitting he remembers that he came to thebar with you andyour party). You may meet new people on this night, and your un-intendedicebreaker becomes "Do you know this dude?"
You enter the bar, and somehow the bouncer has let him slide by. As soon as he reaches an opening, he's gone. He has disappeared among the abyss of collared shirts and cocktail dresses. After a thorough scan of the bar, he appears to be unable to find. You see women scattered all over the bar and dance floor, but while 'girls just wanna have fun,' you know that this dude just wants to get drunk. His sidewalk sewer heave wasn't enough to slow him down in the slightest, and when you finally figure out just where he is, he's at the barordering shots for what is either a mildly attractive older woman, or a desperate transvestite.
Eventually, the dudebacle hits your buddyhard,and the following day hangover is usually a brutalexperience for this dude who dared to put his body through suchacute chemical punishment.
Luckily enough, the dudebacle is only a category2 dudesaster however, and during the next day reflection, you find thatthe faux pas from the night before need only require about two weeks worth of redemption for your currently crestfallen friend. The most importantconcept istoraise awareness of the early signs of the dudebacle:the voicevolume demodulation, the belching, the slurring rants about politics and possibly baseball.For at least these reasons, itremains paramountto record thehumiliating feats accomplishedby your completely wasted crony on the night before, in order to help him relive it the day after.
Shame however, is not a powerful enough learning experience for your nocturnally embarrassing friend. Make sure that he doesn't live this experience down in an effort to hope that it doesn't happen again. If it does somehow happen again, your residence should be dudebacle-proofed for retaliatory purposeswith an emergency drawer containing assorted permanent markers, a pantry stocked with chocolate syrup, and a fire extinguisher.
The next time this happens, let it happen... and as soon as this dude passes out... let him have it!
1. No disrespectintended to Virginians, wealthy New Yorkers, or douche bags.
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